Introduction – Why We Finally Left an Abusive Church After 10 Years

If you’ve ever been irritated enough to walk out of a group prayer time because a fellow church member is praying that a former member would “have everything he does come to ruin” simply because he left the church, you might be in an abusive church. Or you might just be sitting near a jerk. Either way, if it’s the norm for you to be regularly put off by someone saying something well against Biblical principles, you should examine your choice in churches.

Of course, it’s not that easy. I attended an abusive church for ten years. In that time, I did what the model churchgoer does: dismissed it with a, “He didn’t really mean that,” or “She probably just didn’t realize how that would sound.” By the time these comments and actions started really getting to me, I still wasn’t ready to leave. In fact, I didn’t want to leave. I prayed that God would change my heart and attitude because the problem surely had to be in my own unforgiving or prideful spirit.

But year after year, I was treated like a junior Christian despite having been raised in Baptist churches from day one. I was well-versed in the scripture, well-trained in doctrine, and highly educated. I would often come home from a church gathering or ladies’ Bible study picking figurative barbs out of my soul; the constancy of the pressure I felt there always puzzled me, and I just couldn’t understand why I felt so lousy so often. It wasn’t until later when I realized how the church conflated submission with subjection. The power structure was simply unsustainable, and the weight of it dug in until only fear kept me among the pews. 

My best friend also attended the church, and internally I understood that leaving would mean tossing out that relationship. We were like sisters: we saw each other daily; spent holidays together; made tamales every Christmas; texted constantly and walked every day with our kids. She was my confidante and closest friend. Our families even vacationed together. I knew enough about her to know that she was never really good friends with anyone outside of the church, and that she wasn’t above cutting people off if they left for a reason she didn’t like.

High stakes. 

A PASTOR-RULED CONGREGATION​

I’d also witnessed strange things over the years. “Pastor” Smith micromanaging every thing and every one in the church. More about this in-depth in coming articles, but suffice to say that if he didn’t like that you wore Vans and jeans to Sunday service, you were probably declared unsaved. The annual Christmas play was the most pitiful, low-budget show I’d ever seen. And it was the same every year: dilapidated blue tarps on the walls for curtains and all. The kids said the same lines over and over. The “pastor’s” wife and kids performed until everyone secretly called it The Smith Show. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this play more times than I’ve seen the Wizard of Oz. And this thing isn’t exactly a classic. People asked for it to be changed. I wrote a new script for them. We offered to re-do the scenery. Smith brushed all of this off with a, “That’s not how we’ve done it.”

The play stuff was stupid on the surface, but it signaled a much deeper problem in the church as a whole. What really started to bother us were the clandestine meetings he would force on members (tip of the ol’ iceberg). I once posted on Facebook about my views on the protestant reformation (Baptists don’t traditionally celebrate the reformationists because of the martyrdom of Baptist forefathers), and he forced a one-on-one meeting with me to label me as dangerous. 

All right. I get it. Facebook rants aren’t usually a good idea. I apologized to him for, you know, my own personal thoughts based on study and history. I can be wrong–it’s cool. But take note of this theme; it will come up a lot.

This church was a more community or general protestant church, and it was a little odd that they had “Baptist” in the title. 

They didn’t hold to many of the doctrines of Baptist churches, and they later moved heavily into fundamentalism (well-known for its cult-like tenets; e.g. the Duggars are deep in the fundamentalist quicksand). My husband and I were initially drawn to the church because of its conservative music, its call for members to live morally upright lives, and the friendly people. Not so bad on the surface, right? Well, maybe.

Processing all of these actions and feelings collected over the years makes me wag the finger at myself for being so prideful and bold in calling out the “pastor’s” actions. In other words, just writing this all out brings up guilt. So let me set up the reason why I’m jotting all of this and my methods in collecting certain things here. This is in no way meant as a revenge narrative or strike against former church members. It’s more of a way to process the dissonance of trying to grasp the hilt of a long-bladed knife embedded in my back by people I genuinely loved. You’ll likely see the cognitive struggle in the articles collected in this site.

As such, I am not using real names here. I don’t want to draw that knife out just to plunge it into someone’s chest. In fact, I’m not using my own name because I don’t want people to directly connect me to the church I was a part of—though former friends will certainly know who I am, so I’m not hiding my words from them.  I’m not calling anyone out, and all stories that are not my own are used with direct permission of the individuals who experienced them. You will, however, see me refer to the “pastor” of the church either with an ironic quotational notation or as the name John Smith. Biblically, he has fully disqualified himself from pastoral eligibility, so it’s my ultimate act of defiance to refuse to call him by the title he so loves to force members to use. Is that too petty? I’m working on it. Sorry.

WHAT FINALLY MADE US REALIZE THE CHURCH WAS ABUSIVE​

Why did my family and I end up leaving the church? The pastor tried to force a one-on-one meeting with a young man without telling him why. He refused to allow the young man to bring anyone else to the meeting, sent him a list of scriptures detailing the importance of obeying authority, and ambushed him in the church to keep the young man from leaving without agreeing to meet. We disagreed with the methodology, noted that the young man was not in sin, and generally argued the side of the young man. This meant we were now the targets. We were attacked, caught the “pastor” in several lies, were fully shunned by our friends, and labeled gossips and sinners. This is the short version of the debacle. The long version should be obvious as featured content for this blog. Ultimately, I plan to collect this as a book and resource for others who are struggling with their experience in an unhealthy church. Through credible academic research, sound Biblical backing, and personal illustrations, I am hopeful that even just one person might find some comfort from the pain of being shunned, abused, and derided. I’ve also brought in Dr. Paul to help–a minister, chaplain, and Bible podcaster–If you have questions, need a listening ear, or would like to contribute your thoughts, feel free to contact us.